i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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