I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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