shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
