I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
