today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
