Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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