I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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