Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
