this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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