I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
