If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
