I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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