omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
