I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
