Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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