do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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