The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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