I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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