I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
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I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
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I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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