Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
