No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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