I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
