Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
