3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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