I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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