I can text with my tongue
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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