please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
