I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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