the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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