my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
