I just threw up on my dentist
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
