Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
