Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
