last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
