I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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