hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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