do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
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I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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