I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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