Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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