News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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