turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
