So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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