Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
