I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
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i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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