I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
