I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
