i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
