That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want a musical about memes.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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