The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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