Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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