Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
