I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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