At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
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Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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