I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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