mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
