Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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