mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
