he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
