My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
