I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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