You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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