I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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