Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
